Your kingdom for my cat

If someone can trade up a measly paperclip for a house, I figure I should be able to trade up a 13- year-old pancreaticly-malfunctioning cat for a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Or something of equal value (to the Dyson, not the cat). I've recently realized that there are several things I want that cost over $500. Things I really realistically want, not like, a helicopter.

A few, in no particular order:

• Dyson vacuum cleaner (way groovy website for a vacuum cleaner!!)
  Cuz our vacuum cleaner sucks! NO WAIT! It DOESN'T suck! That's why it sucks! Never trade in airmiles for a vacuum cleaner. Do trade in cats!
  
  
• Personal Video Recorder
  Cuz I am ALWAYS putting Mason to bed between 8:30 and 9:30, so how am I supposed to watch any decent prime time? I've had to ask Jeff 2 weeks in a row who got voted off Rock Star SuperNova. I know! So ghetto. But seriously - we better actually get one before Lost starts again.
  
  
• TV for the living room or bedroom
  Ok, this doesn't HAVE to cost $500. But according to Jeff, our resident AV expert, we must have a flat panel high resolution HD compatible TV, which means a teeny tiny little TV for $500. Which I'm not sure I'm down with. But ok NEC, how 'bout I give you $100 for your TV, and I'll throw in a cat?
  
  
• Leather Ottoman
  MtheB is almost crawling. Crawling leads to pulling self up on furniture. Our coffee table corners have been chewed to fine eyeball poking points by the dogs, which is all the better reason to trade in the cat.
  
  
• Bathroom and Kitchen Reno
  Ok, now I'm just being ridiculous you say. A cat cannot be traded up for either of these enormous undertakings. Yeah, well I see the cat and raise you one husband! Cat AND husband, for full kitchen and bathroom reno! Anyone??

Not actual size. Cat may be smaller than he appears in this photo.
Husband may be somewhat larger.