jemoma: July 2006

This totally sucks

TOTALLY, TOTALLY SUCKS! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

WOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

PARENTAL ADVISORY! Post contains partial image of a BREAST! Also the word DOUCHEBAG!

I hate the puritanical part of this world that thinks there is something wrong with the sight of a woman feeding a baby. Check out the shock and awe stupidy over BabyTalk magazine’s most recent cover. Once again, I cannot resist commenting on an article which cannot talk back, because some of this shit is dumbass GOLD. Plus it gives me opportunities to say DOUCHEBAG!

"I was SHOCKED to see a giant breast on the cover of your magazine," one person wrote. "I immediately turned the magazine face down," wrote another. "Gross," said a third.

"I shredded it… a breast is a breast -- it's a sexual thing. He [13 yr old son] didn't need to see that… He is now officially a future serial killer. His fate is sealed. Don’t even bother calling Dr. Phil - he cannot help you.

"Gross. I am sick of seeing a baby attached to a boob," wrote Lauren, a mother of a 4-month-old. Lauren, you are making it too easy for me. Can I get a DOUCHEBAG?!

Then there’s the ‘we totally support it [breastfeeding in public], but…’ crowd:

The shredder says - "I'm totally supportive of it -- I just don't like the flashing, I don't want my son or husband to accidentally see a breast they didn't want to see." Good god no. They might burst into flames. No doubt the shredder puts a parental block on Animal Planet.

"I respect it and think women have the right," says Kreutz, 34, of Bozeman, Montana. "But personally, it makes me really uncomfortable. I just think it's one of those moments that should stay between a mother and her child." It is between the mother and child. So avert your eyes! Pop a valium! Breathe into a paper bag! But Jeezuz H. SnakesonaPlane, just get the fuck over it.

Here it is, in all its brazen x-rated glory:

Your kingdom for my cat

If someone can trade up a measly paperclip for a house, I figure I should be able to trade up a 13- year-old pancreaticly-malfunctioning cat for a Dyson vacuum cleaner. Or something of equal value (to the Dyson, not the cat). I've recently realized that there are several things I want that cost over $500. Things I really realistically want, not like, a helicopter.

A few, in no particular order:

Dyson vacuum cleaner (way groovy website for a vacuum cleaner!!)
Cuz our vacuum cleaner sucks! NO WAIT! It DOESN'T suck! That's why it sucks! Never trade in airmiles for a vacuum cleaner. Do trade in cats!
Personal Video Recorder
Cuz I am ALWAYS putting Mason to bed between 8:30 and 9:30, so how am I supposed to watch any decent prime time? I've had to ask Jeff 2 weeks in a row who got voted off Rock Star SuperNova. I know! So ghetto. But seriously - we better actually get one before Lost starts again.
TV for the living room or bedroom
Ok, this doesn't HAVE to cost $500. But according to Jeff, our resident AV expert, we must have a flat panel high resolution HD compatible TV, which means a teeny tiny little TV for $500. Which I'm not sure I'm down with. But ok NEC, how 'bout I give you $100 for your TV, and I'll throw in a cat?
Leather Ottoman
MtheB is almost crawling. Crawling leads to pulling self up on furniture. Our coffee table corners have been chewed to fine eyeball poking points by the dogs, which is all the better reason to trade in the cat.
Bathroom and Kitchen Reno
Ok, now I'm just being ridiculous you say. A cat cannot be traded up for either of these enormous undertakings. Yeah, well I see the cat and raise you one husband! Cat AND husband, for full kitchen and bathroom reno! Anyone??

Not actual size. Cat may be smaller than he appears in this photo.
Husband may be somewhat larger.

Nobody said anything about cats

FUCK!!!!!!!!! FUCK FUCKING FUCKER!!! ARGH CAT KILLL!! Shitting pissing vomitting hissing sack of HAIRBALL!!!! GAH!!!!!!!!! Want him?

I almost wish I wasn't kidding.

You have intruded on my breeding project.

I will now vaporize you with my eyes.

"Pop goes the shitweasel" or "Self Righteous Rantings on Pet Ownership"

You have now been forewarned.

Various inconveniences are listed as reasons for rehoming the family dog in the so-charmingly-titled Slate article, "Sometimes it Makes Sense to Ditch the Family Dog".

Ok, so finding a really good new home for your dog does not necessarily a douchebag make. I know this kind of thing happens all the time, and sometimes for good reasons. But this article cheeses me off for 3 reasons:

1. The callous title + flippant tone: injecting a bunch of self deprecating humour that's all *I'll say I'm so full of regret in a cheeky way and I'm already calling myself an asshole and therefore beating you to it but really, isn't this funny?

2. Doing the above in a really really widely read online magazine article. *Come on everybody, ditch your annoying and/or inconvenient pet! I did it, and it worked out great!*

3. If I'm keeping my shitweasels despite FAR worse offenses than being inconvenient, then goddammit, so are you and everyone else!!!!

And there you have it - number 3 is really the heart of the matter. We've just had the worst shitweasel week in a long time, and I have never so badly wanted to drop-kick them into next February. Our dogs need some work. Since Mason was born there has been a terrible lack of routine and practice at behaving like normal domesticated animals, so they've gone all wrong lately. We need to go Full Metal Jacket on their asses.

Maybe I will find myself in her shoes someday. But I want to promise to exhaust all avenues to resolving any behavioural problems and lifestyle adjustment requirements that may arise before I ever find myself eating these words. It makes me so sad when people don't consider their dogs a part of their family. A couple of years ago I would have been more radical and preachy about this, but I just don't have it in me to launch the ranting activist song and dance anymore. At least not these days. My focus is elsewhere. It's on my family, which includes my dogs.

What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? I'm gonna give you three seconds to wipe that stoopid looking grin off your face or you will be in a world of shit!

Do you maggots understand?!

Just messin' with ya! I love my shitweasels!

Lifestyles of the rich and shameless

Jeff mentioned that he thought Mason looks like Sean Preston and Helen somewhat concurred, so I looked into it, and sure enough some photos of SP bear an uncanny resemblance to M the B!